Finding Nemo

Last night I was outside with Justin while he was grilling steaks for our Christmas Eve dinner.

It was cold, so we were hugging and he had his arms and coat wrapped around me.

"A baby would be a perfect Christmas gift," Justin said and then kissed me on the forehead.

I've been waiting all week to take a test on Christmas morning.

"The best gift," I added.

"Go take a test now," Justin said.

"No," I said. "Not until Christmas morning! Be patient."

....
I woke up this morning and tried to be quiet as I walked to the bathroom. If it was finally our time, I wanted to surprise Justin like I've alway planned!

Instead, I stubbed my toe on the bed and then stepped on a brush with my other foot.

Justin woke up (obviously).

And then I couldn't find the bag with the pregnancy test.

Calm down, Ashley.

I went to the bathroom, and prepared myself...

If the test is negative, you can drink on vacation...which you'll definitely need to do!

And if the test is positive, well- keep your shit together and try not to scream out a burst of happiness!

As I waited for the results to come in, I closed my eyes and thought about the laughs and tears I shared with our family last night talking about baby Sieb.

And I even got an idea for what to call baby Sieb throughout our pregnancy! My friend Mel called her baby "bean" and I loved the nickname! I have another twitter friend who is pregnant and calls her little one "pickle."

So, Grandma Sieb told us that she called all of her children "Nemo" until they were born.

Nemo. I love it!

Back in the bathroom, the test was negative. But you guys, I didn't cry this time.

Instead, I just climbed back into bed with Justin, hoping he never heard me get up.

"I assume it was negative," Justin whispered.

"Yeah, it was negative," I confirmed.

...

"Babe, even though we aren't pregnant, we can't give up!" Justin said once we got out of bed.

"I know," I said. "I'm fine. I'm not stressing out or anything. I promise!"

For once, I wasn't lying. I'm hopeful one day soon, we will find our Nemo.

Merry Christmas to your family from ours! Xoxo!

Much love,
Ashley

At the Right Time

Last night, I was on the phone with my sister when I walked into the house after work.

I looked at the kitchen counter and saw a pregnancy test.

Justin was smiling.

Cooking dinner.

He was happy.

He thought- as I do many evenings- that tonight would be the night we will find out that we are pregnant.

He reached over and gave me a hug- then continued with cooking dinner.

I looked down at the pregnancy test again.

He placed one of the tests out of the box- ready to go.

It melted my heart. He is so excited to be a father, and I know he will be an amazing dad too.

I am 8 days late.

But, don't get excited... this is nothing new.

And the term "late" is hard to define as my body has a mind of it's own!

My heart slightly broke as I looked down at the test staring back at me. I already know the answer to this test...how do I tell him? He looks so confident. So happy.

Earlier in that day, I took a pregnancy test at Mejier (yes in a public restroom).

I've done this twice before...

I have no shame.

And as I walked into the bathroom, I placed my hand on my stomach...

"Third times a charm!" I thought to myself.

I hate getting the pregnancy tests that say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" because they take FOREVER to load.

And I'm a young woman who wants results...like yesterday.

So waiting, well- it's not my thing.

As I peed on the stick, the results instantly came in...

Not pregnant.

My heart sank and a few tears streamed down my face.

What's wrong me with? I thought.

So, back in my kitchen- it broke my heart to see the excited look on Justin's face.

When I hung up on the phone, he pointed over to the counter.

"It's ready for you," he said.

"Well," I started. "I already know it'll be negative."

"Don't think that way babe," Justin said.

"I took a test at lunch," he said. "It was negative."

The smiled disappeared from his face.

"Really?" he said.

"Yeah," I said. "But who knows with my body...maybe we just need a few more weeks to tell."

So we hugged, and just dropped the subject.

And as I turned around, I simply closed my eyes and wished for an answer.

***

I was talking to a coworker this morning about how difficult everything is right now. Not just with trying to get pregnant, but with life in general. I'm feeling overwhelmed about many things.

"Maybe it's just not the right time," Jeremy said. "You know, my wife was 34 when our daughter was born. You still have plenty of time. And maybe, right now- you're supposed to focus on other things. Like your career and writing- you're such a great writer. And when you have kids, it's an amazing thing, but life is completely different. Life with kids is all about sacrifice. No more running when you want to run. No more writing at any hour of the day. Everything is just...different. And you're not number one anymore."

He's right.

And for the first time in awhile, I'm putting things into a new perspective.

Maybe it's not the right time.

Maybe something else is my "child" right now. Whether that be work or writing or running or even my relationship with Justin, I'm not sure. But I'm going to nurture these aspects of my life now...and keep a positive mind and happy heart...that Baby Sieb will come at the right time.

Whenever that may be....

Much love,
Ashley