Make a Wish

When driving through the mountains today, we went into a tunnel.

"Okay, hold your breath and make a wish," Justin said.

"Maybe we will wish for the same thing, I said.

I held my breath and thought of our little Nemo.

I wished for baby Sieb.

We came out of the tunnel and we both let out a burst of air.

"What did you wish for?!" Justin asked immediately.

It's like him to ask right away. We can't ever keep a secret from each other...even if it's a silly wish!

"Wellll," I said. "I wished for little baby Sieb! What about you?!"

"I wished for our family to make it safely to Florida," he said back smiling at me.

"That's a great wish, babe..." I said.

Minutes later we passed through another tunnel, and we played the same game.

This time I wished that bandit has a safe and fun week. It's been less than 24 hours and I miss my little fur son. I'm a hopeless dog mom.

Justin probably wished for a beer, but I didn't ask.

Much love,
Ashley

Finding Nemo

Last night I was outside with Justin while he was grilling steaks for our Christmas Eve dinner.

It was cold, so we were hugging and he had his arms and coat wrapped around me.

"A baby would be a perfect Christmas gift," Justin said and then kissed me on the forehead.

I've been waiting all week to take a test on Christmas morning.

"The best gift," I added.

"Go take a test now," Justin said.

"No," I said. "Not until Christmas morning! Be patient."

....
I woke up this morning and tried to be quiet as I walked to the bathroom. If it was finally our time, I wanted to surprise Justin like I've alway planned!

Instead, I stubbed my toe on the bed and then stepped on a brush with my other foot.

Justin woke up (obviously).

And then I couldn't find the bag with the pregnancy test.

Calm down, Ashley.

I went to the bathroom, and prepared myself...

If the test is negative, you can drink on vacation...which you'll definitely need to do!

And if the test is positive, well- keep your shit together and try not to scream out a burst of happiness!

As I waited for the results to come in, I closed my eyes and thought about the laughs and tears I shared with our family last night talking about baby Sieb.

And I even got an idea for what to call baby Sieb throughout our pregnancy! My friend Mel called her baby "bean" and I loved the nickname! I have another twitter friend who is pregnant and calls her little one "pickle."

So, Grandma Sieb told us that she called all of her children "Nemo" until they were born.

Nemo. I love it!

Back in the bathroom, the test was negative. But you guys, I didn't cry this time.

Instead, I just climbed back into bed with Justin, hoping he never heard me get up.

"I assume it was negative," Justin whispered.

"Yeah, it was negative," I confirmed.

...

"Babe, even though we aren't pregnant, we can't give up!" Justin said once we got out of bed.

"I know," I said. "I'm fine. I'm not stressing out or anything. I promise!"

For once, I wasn't lying. I'm hopeful one day soon, we will find our Nemo.

Merry Christmas to your family from ours! Xoxo!

Much love,
Ashley

All You Need is Love

First and foremost, the support, encouragement, prayers, and even personal stories that many of you have shared with me after I made this blog public have transformed my entire outlook on our journey to planting the Sieb. 

I'm so hopeful, which I haven't been in months.

I'm truly so blessed to have such incredible people in my life.

My best friend Toni mailed me a journal in October.

She wrote me a beautiful letter inspiring Justin and I to stay encouraged for Baby Sieb.

This is the cover of the journal:

I'm so lucky to have such an amazing and uplifting best friend.

And inside she wrote this:

You are wondering if I cried?
The answer is always yes.

Obviously, her gift made my heart explode with happiness.

I've only had the chance to write two entries, so I thought I would share them with you all.

October 30, 2012

I've decided that you are going to be stubborn like your father.

And you will do things on your own timeline like your mother.

I've been praying for you a lot lately. You'll learn that when I want something, I commit 100% to getting "it" - whatever "it" may be.

In this case, I want you.

I want to be a mother.

Your mother.

I want to see your smile.

Hear your laugh.

Make you happy you're sad.

Help you.

Believe in you.

Hold you.

Watch you grow.

Run with you.

See you play with Bandit, your big brother.

Inspire you.

Kiss you goodnight.

Teach you.

And love you unconditionally.

Your Aunt Toni got me this journal as a gift. She is my best friend and soulmate, you'll love her.

After all, all you need is love!

See you soon (I hope!).

Love,
Mom

December 17, 2012

It's been two months (almost) since I've shared my thoughts with you. I guess I thought that by not writing about my fears, worries, and dreams- you would come sooner.

Don't stress, they say.

Your time will come, they promise.

Keep positive, they encourage.

But, easier said than done.

On Friday, our nation (and the world) mourned as a monster killed 20 children in an elementary aged children and six adults.

You aren't even born yet, but I thought of you...

I could never imagine having to bury my 6-year-old child because you were murdered at school. With this unthinkable tragedy in mind, I want you to know that...

I promise to always kiss you goodnight.

I promise to hold your hand when you're scared.

I promise to teach you how to love and show compassion to everyone you meet.

I promise to believe in you.

I promise to tell you that "I love you" at least twice a day.

I promise to make you smile.

I promise to guide you in the right direction.

I promise to inspire you to always make the right decision.

I promise to teach you manners that last a lifetime.

I promise to help you achieve your biggest and wildest dreams.

And most importantly, I promise to be the best mother ever.

And here is the last page:

And even if Baby Sieb isn't our "gift" this Christmas, we are determined to enjoy every minute, hug, kiss, laugh, gift, and even tear we share with our family and friends.

We hope you and your family do the same...

All you need this holiday is love.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Much love,
Ashley

At the Right Time

Last night, I was on the phone with my sister when I walked into the house after work.

I looked at the kitchen counter and saw a pregnancy test.

Justin was smiling.

Cooking dinner.

He was happy.

He thought- as I do many evenings- that tonight would be the night we will find out that we are pregnant.

He reached over and gave me a hug- then continued with cooking dinner.

I looked down at the pregnancy test again.

He placed one of the tests out of the box- ready to go.

It melted my heart. He is so excited to be a father, and I know he will be an amazing dad too.

I am 8 days late.

But, don't get excited... this is nothing new.

And the term "late" is hard to define as my body has a mind of it's own!

My heart slightly broke as I looked down at the test staring back at me. I already know the answer to this test...how do I tell him? He looks so confident. So happy.

Earlier in that day, I took a pregnancy test at Mejier (yes in a public restroom).

I've done this twice before...

I have no shame.

And as I walked into the bathroom, I placed my hand on my stomach...

"Third times a charm!" I thought to myself.

I hate getting the pregnancy tests that say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" because they take FOREVER to load.

And I'm a young woman who wants results...like yesterday.

So waiting, well- it's not my thing.

As I peed on the stick, the results instantly came in...

Not pregnant.

My heart sank and a few tears streamed down my face.

What's wrong me with? I thought.

So, back in my kitchen- it broke my heart to see the excited look on Justin's face.

When I hung up on the phone, he pointed over to the counter.

"It's ready for you," he said.

"Well," I started. "I already know it'll be negative."

"Don't think that way babe," Justin said.

"I took a test at lunch," he said. "It was negative."

The smiled disappeared from his face.

"Really?" he said.

"Yeah," I said. "But who knows with my body...maybe we just need a few more weeks to tell."

So we hugged, and just dropped the subject.

And as I turned around, I simply closed my eyes and wished for an answer.

***

I was talking to a coworker this morning about how difficult everything is right now. Not just with trying to get pregnant, but with life in general. I'm feeling overwhelmed about many things.

"Maybe it's just not the right time," Jeremy said. "You know, my wife was 34 when our daughter was born. You still have plenty of time. And maybe, right now- you're supposed to focus on other things. Like your career and writing- you're such a great writer. And when you have kids, it's an amazing thing, but life is completely different. Life with kids is all about sacrifice. No more running when you want to run. No more writing at any hour of the day. Everything is just...different. And you're not number one anymore."

He's right.

And for the first time in awhile, I'm putting things into a new perspective.

Maybe it's not the right time.

Maybe something else is my "child" right now. Whether that be work or writing or running or even my relationship with Justin, I'm not sure. But I'm going to nurture these aspects of my life now...and keep a positive mind and happy heart...that Baby Sieb will come at the right time.

Whenever that may be....

Much love,
Ashley

Snarkiness: Pregnancy Symptom?

"Ashley, I think you are pregnant," Justin said.

"Oh yeah?" I asked condescendingly.

"Yeah, usually when you start your period, you are SUPER snarky for only one day," Justin said. "But you've been really snarky for three days straight."

Bahahah poor guy.

It will only get worse from here....

But, I'm taking a test on Friday.

SO keep your fingers crossed.

Much love,
Ashley

Stress Free

For once in three months, I've gone more than 5 days without Googling pregnancy symptoms.

Maybe that's because I have them memorized.

But, I haven't stressed about what the future holds.

Instead, I've focused on loving my husband.

I've spent my time dancing in the living room.

And laughing so hard at dinner that I almost choke to death (no really, I almost died at dinner tonight).

But in all honesty, I am truly just trying to listen to my body.

And relax.

Speaking of relaxing, I've also cut back on my caffeine.

No more Red Bulls (ever).

I only have 2 (maximum) cups of black coffee in the morning.

Instead of drinking Diet Coke every single day, I'm switching to tea....green tea when possible.

Despite my never-heading headache last week from weeding off my extreme doses of caffeine, I'm feeling a lot better this week.

I'm not going stress about it...or over-analyze anything...or worry about the unknown, but I'm feeling good.

I'm feeling happy.

And I'm feeling hopeful that Baby Sieb is going to become a reality soon.

Much love,
Ashley

Here's to Next Month

I started my period today.

How do I feel?

I feel OK.

Not great.

Just OK.

Better than expected, though.

I am reminding myself that I know plenty of couples who have tried a lot longer and a lot harder than us to have a child.

I'm keeping my spirits high, and counting my blessings!

If we don't have luck with Baby Sieb next month, I'm planning a trip to the doctor.

Much love,
Ashley

Getting Pregnant is Hard

I remember taking countless pregnancy tests over the years. I would huddle over the toilet and pray...pray for it to be negative. I wasn't ready to be a mom yet. I wanted to get through school. I wanted to get a job. I wanted to get married.

Today, I huddled over the toilet and prayed the test would be positive.

I am ready to be a mom.

Ready as I'll ever be.

I made it through school.

I have a job.

And I am married to my best friend.

I want to plant the seed.

Our own Baby Sieb.

But getting pregnant is hard.

And while I try not to obsess over the idea of getting pregnant, it controls my thoughts most days.

Pregnant woman everywhere.

I would be the smallest city, in the smallest state, in the smallest gas station and I would run into two pregnant people.

Okay, that was dramatic- but you get my point...

When I'm not pregnant people watching, I am Googling symptoms of pregnancy symptom...as if I'll find a new symptom.

And speaking of symptoms, pregnancy symptoms are bullshit.

Tender breasts. Meh. My boobs have a mind of their own.

Cramping. Oh, you mean the same sign that my period is coming or I ate too much cheese?

Back pain. On the regular.

Mood swings. Check- every single day.

Weight gain. Story of my life.

Nausea. The symptom for every illness.

Fatigue. Depends on how much caffeine I down that day.

So, by the time I am done reading all the symptoms....I've determined I'm either starting my period, have cancer, or I am pregnant. Either one.

Because you're reading this blog, you've opened up the door to my personal life. So, it's only fair that I tell you my periods are very irregular. And I've always had a fear that I'd be unable to get pregnant because of my irregularity. My cycles have been around 35 days long, which means I should be able to take a test this Friday and be considered "late."

My boobs hurt.

I'm cramping.

My back is killing me.

I've gained 10 lbs in two weeks.

I'm don't have too much nausea.

But I'm definitely tired.

My temperatures (I've been charting my temperature for the last two months) has been elevated for about 6 days now.....

With all of these symptoms in mind, I took a test tonight (even though I told myself I'd wait until Friday).

I prayed.

And prayed.

And prayed some more.

Then the results came through:

"Not Pregnant."

Much love,
Ashley