Last night, I was on the phone with my sister when I walked into the house after work.
I looked at the kitchen counter and saw a pregnancy test.
Justin was smiling.
Cooking dinner.
He was happy.
He thought- as I do many evenings- that tonight would be the night we will find out that we are pregnant.
He reached over and gave me a hug- then continued with cooking dinner.
I looked down at the pregnancy test again.
He placed one of the tests out of the box- ready to go.
It melted my heart. He is so excited to be a father, and I know he will be an amazing dad too.
I am 8 days late.
But, don't get excited... this is nothing new.
And the term "late" is hard to define as my body has a mind of it's own!
My heart slightly broke as I looked down at the test staring back at me. I already know the answer to this test...how do I tell him? He looks so confident. So happy.
Earlier in that day, I took a pregnancy test at Mejier (yes in a public restroom).
I've done this twice before...
I have no shame.
And as I walked into the bathroom, I placed my hand on my stomach...
"Third times a charm!" I thought to myself.
I hate getting the pregnancy tests that say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" because they take FOREVER to load.
And I'm a young woman who wants results...like yesterday.
So waiting, well- it's not my thing.
As I peed on the stick, the results instantly came in...
Not pregnant.
My heart sank and a few tears streamed down my face.
What's wrong me with? I thought.
So, back in my kitchen- it broke my heart to see the excited look on Justin's face.
When I hung up on the phone, he pointed over to the counter.
"It's ready for you," he said.
"Well," I started. "I already know it'll be negative."
"Don't think that way babe," Justin said.
"I took a test at lunch," he said. "It was negative."
The smiled disappeared from his face.
"Really?" he said.
"Yeah," I said. "But who knows with my body...maybe we just need a few more weeks to tell."
So we hugged, and just dropped the subject.
And as I turned around, I simply closed my eyes and wished for an answer.
***
I was talking to a coworker this morning about how difficult everything is right now. Not just with trying to get pregnant, but with life in general. I'm feeling overwhelmed about many things.
"Maybe it's just not the right time," Jeremy said. "You know, my wife was 34 when our daughter was born. You still have plenty of time. And maybe, right now- you're supposed to focus on other things. Like your career and writing- you're such a great writer. And when you have kids, it's an amazing thing, but life is completely different. Life with kids is all about sacrifice. No more running when you want to run. No more writing at any hour of the day. Everything is just...different. And you're not number one anymore."
He's right.
And for the first time in awhile, I'm putting things into a new perspective.
Maybe it's not the right time.
Maybe something else is my "child" right now. Whether that be work or writing or running or even my relationship with Justin, I'm not sure. But I'm going to nurture these aspects of my life now...and keep a positive mind and happy heart...that Baby Sieb will come at the right time.
Whenever that may be....
Much love,
Ashley
First, I adore that picture of your family. Second, while things are rough right now, I'm excited for you!
ReplyDeleteI also really admire your willingness to write about this in the open, and you're doing a really beautiful job so far. As a writer I know that personal topics like this can be difficult. I also kind of think about this topic a lot because when I was 19 I found out there's a good chance I won't be able to have kids. My doctor basically put a timeline on my fertility and told me I had to try before I turn 30, and since I'm perpetually single I've started realizing lately that it's very unlikely that will happen. But my mom also had me at 38, so who knows?
Anyways, I've come to accept that whatever happens is meant to happen. While things might seem rough right now, they will work out!
Sarah,
DeleteThank you so very much for your support and kind words!! I also appreciate you opening up about your own personal story relative to parenthood. You're such a beautiful, fun, and intelligent young woman - and I know you won't be perpetually single. Stay positive & hopeful yourself my dear.
Thanks for following along!
xoxo,
Ashley
I saw the tweet to this blog (which is a VERY cute and catchy name, by the way! I love it!) when I was at Fazoli's with Zach and the kids. I wrote a comment, but somehow it got lost and never got posted. But, what I was going to say was how teary eyed I got and how I could just feel the ache in your entry; even with the positive ending. Like the poster above, I commend you for having the courage to share and think that it will be a great thing to do! Blogging is theraputic and being able to look back on the journey (and have others share it with you) is a very rewarding thing!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you've gotten all sorts of tips and words of encouragement. It seems like you're already on the right track with just learning to relax and let go. That's the best thing you can do. Let God "surprise" you! :) Keep believing that He can do it. As with many Moms of the Bible, the babies came at times when they thought it wouldn't happen and that's when God did it. I know no one likes waiting (I feel ya there!). Though, like you said, there are so many things you can do while you wait! :) Trust me, babies/kids are blessings, but your friend is totally right. There is so much sacrifice involved and you lose a lot of "you" and "us" time and so many things get put on the back burner. It's kind of like how as kids, we want to grow up but then we look back and wish that we had enjoyed that time as kids because adulthood lasts so much longer than childhood! Same thing with marriage and family. I wouldn't discourage it by any means, but enjoy all the great things you get to do together as well as individually. Believe it or not, there are a lot of times I read about all the runs, adventures, etc. that you're doing and I wish that I got more of those times (or had done that stuff before I had kids). So, relish all these great things you're doing and as you relax, the baby will probably end up "surprising" you. :) Love you, sweetie!! oxoxo *HUGS*
Hi Melissa,
DeleteYou're so sweet! Thank you so much for the advice and personal stories. Your perspective is really insightful and helpful as I think about our journey. It's easy for people to get caught up in what life is like "on the other side" and you not only brought a smile to my face, but reminded me to be thankful for my life at this very moment.
xoxo,
Ashley
It'll be alright. :) Let me know if there is anything I can do for you! I would offer to make you a cheeseball to cheer you up but....lol! How are your taste buds healing? Did Starbucks do that to you?! Fiends! McDonald's are usually the dopes that do that. Though, I would be ever so grateful to burn my tongue on Starbucks if they hadn't taken our Bluffton one away and made it into a Verizon store. Again, I envy you lol. ;)
Delete